A Day in the Life

8.45 a.m. Late! Alarm clock didn't work. Can't find ironed shirts so use yesterday's. Grab remaining slice of last night's pizza and dash out. First appointment at 9.00, mustn't miss it.

8.46 a.m. Company car won't start. Having mistakenly put petrol in a diesel car won't have helped. Tell girlfriend to call garage. Take her Fiesta. Not ideal car to cover two hundred miles today, but needs must. Girlfriend not amused.

9.00 a.m. Stuck in horrendous traffic. Leaves on road! No chance of making first appointment. Try to phone ahead, but mobile battery running down so couldn't make connection.

9.15 a.m. Missed appointment. Competitor rep arrived early apparently, and pinched my time. The swine! Try to identify competitor rep's car to let tyre down, but caught tinkering by security and turfed out of car park.

10.15 a.m. Thrashed girlfriend's Fiesta to make next appointment (seventy miles in one hour! Stirling Moss, or what?). Suspicious noise from engine however.

10.20 a.m. Unlucky! Telesales hadn't made my appointment with the right person, and buyer out all day. Never mind, make use of being there by chatting up remarkably attractive secretary. Make new appointment myself. In business, the only person you can trust is YOU!

11.15 a.m. Fiesta still making noise, but on time for next appointment. Good news! Asked to demo equipment (buyer interested!). Bad news! Buyer situated on tenth floor (no lift). Shouldn't have quit health club. Exhausted lugging equipment up ten flights of stairs. Buyer thinking about it. Could be next big sale!

12.15 p.m. Shrewdly arranged last meeting of the morning with most attractive buyer on my call list. Intend to take her out to lunch, and if all goes well, scrap afternoon appointments. Mobile now not working so boss won't catch me at it.

12.20 p.m. Drat! Buyer already gone out to lunch with competitor rep. Some guys have all the luck. Sadly eat stale roll in Pig & Duck Whistle. Review morning's activity - supposed to fill in call sheet, but can't be bothered.

1.45 p.m. Three pints later, dozed off in corner of Pig. Will be late for next appointment, so call ahead from pub callphone. No change so cadge ten pee from landlord (he knows me well - I'm probably his best customer!). The professional rep always lets customers know if he's going to miss an appointment.

2.00 p.m. Fiesta now not moving. Good thing I'm handy with machines. Seems to be a problem with the sproiling bar-grommet. Get Fiesta moving, but hands absolutely filthy. Pity, as next call is company's biggest customer. Still, plenty of time to get there.

3.00 p.m. One pint too many! Missed turn and ended up going the wrong way up M4. Forty miles to next junction. Have to really put my foot down now. Can't upset Mr Big!

3.15 p.m. Flashed going through speed camera! Twice! Still the company will pay. Though Kevin in Accounts told me over the photocopier that they dock our wages for fines. Bummer, especially as no commission since missed last month's sales targets.

3.30 p.m. Made it in time for Mr Big! Unfortunately, Mr Big didn't make it in time for me, because Tracy failed to make any appointment at all this time. Must get boss to sack her, the incompetent witch.

3.35 p.m. Stroke of good fortune! Miss Little (Mr Big's sidekick) v helpful and most interested in products. Feel I've made a good friend there. Don't think she was too impressed by the greasy hands though. Women never understand mechanics!

4.30 p.m. Decide not to call in last appointment as a long way from home, and sproiling bar-grommet playing up again. Mobile has charged up again now, so call and make apologies ('sick'). Company not worried as have bought from competitor rep. Bastards! All buyers are liars!

5.30 p.m. Still an hour from home, and Fiesta has finally given up the ghost. Ground to a halt beside large industrial estate, so at least able to phone girlfriend to get her to send her brother. Sadly she refused. Will be here for a while waiting for RAC (will have to join first in order to qualify for assistance!)

6.00 p.m. Still waiting. Muse that in same situation competitor rep would occupy himself by cold calling round industrial estate, leaving business cards. Can't be bothered though, exciting replay of Wibbleton/Goolies FA cup first round tie on radio.

7.00 p.m. Finally drag up at home on back of pickup truck. Girlfriend run off with competitor rep. Supposed to write extensive call report on day's activities and phone boss but can't be bothered. I don't really like this job.

A Day in the Life: Part II

7.45 a.m. Wake up early. Excited by thought of making month's sales targets today - only halfway through the month. Commission a-go-go! Exercise, shower, tasty breakfast of fresh orange and free range eggs. Prepare healthy nutritious packed lunch. Wish I had nice girlfriend to make my lunch packs for me!

8.00 a.m. Good news! Post brings letter of commendation from boss, with discretionary £100 bonus cheque.

8.30 a.m. Call list completed last night, so know exactly where to go. Leave town before rush hour starts. Roads remarkably free - must be half term or something.

9.00 a.m. First appointment with new prospect. Expect long wait as half an hour early. Start reading industry report.

9.10 a.m. Get seen early. Competitor rep apparently failed to arrive. Company impressed by my enthusiasm, and agree to 'give us a try'. Sale No.1!

9.30 a.m. One of my tyres feels a bit flat, so drive straight to garage to pump up to required pressure.

10.30 a.m. Second appointment. Asked to demo equipment to board of directors. Able to put last week's training course to good use, and put on really good show. Personally congratulated by Sir Wiggly- Pieces (Chairman of the board) and invited to play golf with him in pro-am with Nick Faldo and Sam Torrance. Should be interesting! Best news of all though - given huge deal by company. Sales No.2 and 3!!

11.30 a.m. Plenty of time to get to next appointment at 12.30, so will arrive at 12.00 and get to know a few people. In the meantime, phone boss with the good news, and fill out call sheets. Boss delighted.

12.15 p.m. As planned - arrived early, and was having fascinating conversation about customer's business with new person there, when she announces she is new buyer, and would like to take me to lunch! A dashed attractive young filly too! (Steady!) Perhaps it's because I've been working out regularly at health club.

2.30 p.m. Delightful lunch. Next big order in the pocket. Sale No.4 and monthly target reached already. It's commission all the way in from now on. Must call in at travel agents on the way home and book next holiday. Plus, Miss Good Looks has offered to caddy for me in the pro-am.

3.30 p.m. Appointment with competitor rep's biggest customer, Mr Big, so little hope of success here, but will give it my best shot.

3.35 p.m. Surprised to find warm reception. Company fed up with competitor company getting things wrong all the time. Promise best efforts, so awarded trial order. First piece of commission - that's the flight to Barbados paid for! Wonder who I could go with?

4.30 p.m. Another surprise. Next customer said pleased to see me as competitor rep had missed appointment - sick apparently. Funny, as I swear I saw competitor rep in car park on first call of day. Perhaps it was something he ate for lunch, there's some dodgy pubs round here. Good thing I made packed lunch.

5.30 p.m. Long delay on the way home due to broken down Fiesta opposite industrial estate. Rather than sit and wait, park up and walk round estate dropping business cards in Reception areas, and gathering names of contacts. Might as well make use of the time - nothing on radio, just a rubbish football match.

6.30 p.m. Arrive home, phone boss - boss delighted, promised pay review at end of month. Write call reports.

6.40 p.m. Go to takeaway. Propositioned by most attractive woman, so we're off to a club tonight. Turns out she was competitor rep's girlfriend! What with all the commission I've earned today, and getting the girl and all, it's turned out to be quite a day. I love this job!

Yippee, Barbados here we come!

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